I don’t remember much of my childhood. Bits and pieces come up from time to time- a lot of bad memories-which lead me to believe they are all repressed memories.
School- I mostly don’t remember history. Some basic science, ANY English, apparently. I do remember basic math!! Definitely don’t remember much Religion! I was the ‘loser’ in school. Friends with Nicole, but she was friends with the “cool” kids. Think that may be a good reason to ignore it all…
Why was I the one no one wanted to be friends with? I don’t remember being mean. I don’t remember anything. Shy, quiet maybe…
-In public school I found friends with the “dorks”. Public school became social hour instead of school. Did what I had to pass-some times it came close. Had to do summer school.
Why did I always end up with the dorks? Was I so socially inept? Did I even use that correctly?
At home- I didn’t like going to my dad’s. None of my friends were near by and I don’t make friends well (still to this day). My dad was mean and scary! He talked bad about mom—mom and Frank always talked bad about him.
- Frank was very strict. Asshole a lot of the time. Don’t know if we/I was really bad enough to deserve Frank’s “Assholeness”. Just remember fighting a lot and me “hating” him. Wishing mom would divorce him
- I remember wanting to hand out with my sister and friends but I was the little sister no one wanted around. I got played with cuz they were forced or that bored. I remember fighting with my sister A LOT!
- There was a girl in the neighborhood I was friends with but as we got older we grew apart. I didn’t wanna hang out anymore and remember being REALLY mean about it.
- I don’t remember relationships at daycare. Just remember stabbing Valerie in the knee/leg. Valerie and I were friends when we were alone and didn’t have anyone else – but still wound up fighting.
I feel if someone was to describe me it would be “simple minded” or “ignorant”
Why do I always beat myself up? Why do I always beat everyone up? Well, not everyone… those I don’t look up to? Am I saying I look down on said people? Am I that shallow? Or pretentious? Correct? Conceited?
Holy fuck.
ReplyDeleteI don't even have words to describe what I'm feeling when I read this.
You wrote this whole thing in 2010?
Yes.just typed it out. It was something I wrote sitting in traffic. I found a mean letter I wrote to mom around the same time. Never sent, just writing to get it out.
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ReplyDeleteYes.just typed it out. It was something I wrote sitting in traffic. I found a mean letter I wrote to mom around the same time. Never sent, just writing to get it out.
ReplyDelete